This is hard for us, harder for her.
Fortunately, not one of her friends, doctors, nurses, etc., disagrees with us,
which helps to make the decision clear-cut.
Still, is is a huge decision and effort, and we are still gathering the facts,
as she’d be happier in her own little apartment.
I wrote a lot about my mom this week in my journal, as I didn’t do anything
but engage her and medical people and Medicaid… my work went on hold.
Our system is corrupt and we are a cruel country, another story for another time.
The thing is, that I love my mom — the good parts of her —
and would be willing to love the bad parts if they weren’t so bad they aim to destroy.
We are all a mixed bag.
But when the toxic is treacherous you either get eaten or you draw boundaries.
I’ve had boundaries, and now, that boundary is to not speak with her again, maybe ever. Something is snapping in her… and I am the one she wants to take down with her,
she blames me and though I’ve not had any power nor any part in her troubles, nor has my brother, frankly. She’s always been worse with women.
My brother is taking over.
She did a lot for me, including keeping me safe, which many parents don’t,
as they are sometimes the ones who a child must be rescued from.
She taught me confidence, how to persevere, gave me a good dose of self-esteem
to help me try for the difficult things I wanted in life, and how to keep myself safe
when I was older. AND, in this very mixed bag, long ago I realized that she was a treacherous human being to all us kids once we began to grow up.
Undermining, verbally abusive, and yes, even criminal… especially to her kids.
So I will love the good memories of her,
and assist my brother in the background.
Why share this? Because there are so many people who have abusive family
members and it is never talked about. Silence breeds shame and people suffer more.
“Memory is more indelible than ink.”
Anita Loos, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
“I think not….”
Me… why I journal!
©D. Katie Powell.
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