zenkatwrites: Family

I cry all the time watching Blue Bloods…
I cry at the Reagan Family.
I want a little of what they’ve got.

Tonight when it ended I thought about how my family was so very “fuck-ed-up-ed”
*channeling my baby brother with that one*

Sometimes I wonder if I’d have more family if I hadn’t done
what it took to make myself feel better about me…
I was unhappy with my person.
When I put my foot on the path, it was a Buddhist path
because the words in some of the books spoke to me about a sanity I didn’t have,
and at the time I didn’t even have to deal with G-O-D…
*bad catholic experience, finally got over it, another story*
There was this wonderful place, a temple called the Bodhi Tree on Melrose…
There was an honesty in the books, and that honesty was lacking in my family.
*okay, maybe not totally but damn, you could not begin to make sense of
what was true and what wasn’t so do not even get me started.
My belly laugh came when I realized that maybe NOTHING
I’d been told by anyone was true —
so I had only my eyes and ears and the present moment to rely upon*

So it started with Buddhism and letting go of G-O-D
*i came back to that later another story, i promise*
for a present truth that was what I could handle.

Then I got sober.
*wow that put a crimp in family dinners*
When I wasn’t being offered another drink I was being told that this
silliness was another fad.  And so it is, 30 years later.

But AA and Buddhism did NOT tell me one thing that was true,
which was that I was going to be on a lonely path with not a lot of friends along the way.
They didn’t tell me that how to deal with the peeps
who didn’t want to glimpse their own problems, and that even if
you didn’t talk to them about their problems or even give a crap about their problems
they projected that you had an opinion about their problems and walked away!

*i could buy  a whole lotta paints if i had a dollar for everyone
who projected my disdain or my thoughts about their issues when in fact
i had no thoughts at all about them*

So, I miss having family… and I include family you choose and your birth family.
I give thanks for Mitchell and the cats.
I give thanks for Mitchell and the cats.
I give thanks for Mitchell and the cats.

I long for the Reagan family… the dinners, yes,
but more that people care about each other,
and when they fight they work through it.
They come back, they make amends, they know that love is a verb.

Wishing lots of love for everyone today and always!

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About dkatiepowellart

hollywood baby turned beach gurl turned steel&glass city gurl turned cowgurl turned herb gurl turned green city gurl. . . artist writer photographer. . . cat lover but misses our big dogs, gone to heaven. . . buddhist and interested in the study of spiritual traditions. . . foodie, organic, lover of all things mik, partner in conservation business mpfconservation, consummate blogger, making a dream happen, insomniac who is either reading buddhist teachings or not-so-bloody mysteries or autobio journal thangs early in the morning when i can't sleep
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6 Responses to zenkatwrites: Family

  1. loisajay says:

    Oh, the Reagans. Yesterday was marathon Blue Bloods on whatever channel my husband keeps on. When I find my way to their table, Katie, I am saving you a place right next to me. This entire post so resonates with me. Mmm-mm, can’t even…….


  2. Heide says:

    Yes, yes … facing your issues does mean going to be on a lonely path, sometimes, with not a lot of friends. But thank goodness for Mitchell and the cats! And thank goodness too for your decades of sobriety, clarity, and growth. xx


  3. joey says:

    I don’t know the show, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my family. And by that, I mean the one I made. Cause the other? Pretty fuck-ed-up-ed, mmhm. It seems there was plenty of love and plenty of anger and no one got along and no one could make them and drinking always helped, right? Schisms. That’s what I think of when I think of family. Schisms.
    Peace to you. (And to Mitchell and the cats.)


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