Reading my posts on zenkatwrites is taking a trip down my last few years.
There has been a lot of loss… and I guess that is part of what happens at a certain age.
I am in my sixties, and so family members are dying.
FRIENDS  are dying.
*hang in here with me, because my whole blog is not going to
become death death death all death all the time*

I posted my blog the other day from the day Jai died this week.
Then after having a good cry I walked onto the bathroom to pee
and Savitri followed me in,
all aflutter with her morning sassiness, and we did “swishigurl”…
she has me cornered and she writhes like Mata Hari and
I have to rub her tummy and
stroke her or she jumps up on my bare legs…
*love her, not loving her nails as they hit my bare legs*

When I left the bathroom, I stopped crying.
I thought about how if I had to give up one of these guys
to bring Jai back I would not, could not.
*the choice would break my heart but there it is*

The secret is in moving forward,
and finding the way to stand with one foot in two worlds.
You start by getting up each day and taking the steps to move outward,
and then many days go by and you have grown a bit.
You say yes to an invitation.
You move outside your comfort zone.
If you are lucky you have friends who push you gently toward life.
*if you don’t get new friends!*

Another thing about going through my old posts is that
I posted a few friends videos or writings on zenkatwrites…
Jilanne Hoffmann’s was revisited (below).
Now I’ve lost my mom and there are things I wish I hadn’t let go,
I can relate even more fully.
*but the car was full and so there it is —
the biggest being that silly life-size (almost) santa*

Jilanne, I want to know if you made her divinity yours.
Did you ever make her cookies?
I have many of my mom’s recipes, BUT, I had to steal them from her —
literally, I stole her recipes years ago and copied them because
she was not forthcoming about giving them to me!
I can make her chocolate cherry bars and pineapple cheesecake
and Christmas balls and spaghetti sauce.
*oh but I can’t, I will not use many of the ingredients, so like Jilanne,
i will make my own and use better ingredients and i will nod to her when i do*

There are many ways to move forward.

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